Hops and Trots

I rode Dickie again yesterday. It turned out great for various reasons. I don't plan on being on his back quite so often long term but it seemed important to make sure his lessons of last week really set in before he had a break. There are jumps in the arena the last half of the week so it was crowded and difficult to get a good lunge in. I decided to forgo much on that front. I want to start seeing how he will do without the midless circle game. It was ok during those first rides to make sure he was tired but we are moving into long term training mode and I need to start doing excercises that are sustainable for his maturing body.

Anyhoo, I did a super quick lunge and he was feeling fresh. He let out plenty of bucks and leaps but was tuned in to me so I decided to hedge my bets and get on. I was thrilled when as soon as I put let on he started walking. I still give him the voice command "Walk On" but I have found that he quickly transfers one cue for another so leg is already doing the trick. He coudl tell right off that he was going to be a little opinionated. We had the arena to ourselves but there were horses coming in and out of the hallway and his baby brain was having a hard time focusing. He really wanted to eat the jumps, visit with the mares on one side, talk to the geldings on the other, rear a little for the fun of it..... He gave me a few protest crow hops, kicks, and mini rears but nothing I couldn't handle. The beauty of a young horse with ADD is that they also forget what made them mad. At one point he really really really didn't want to go left and started to put up a fight then he forgot why he was made beause he saw my foot out of the corner of his eye and decided to taste it. I know it sounds weird but I acutaly feel better than we had some acrobatics. I haven't been on a naughty horse in a loooong time and am out of shape. I wasn't sure if I would remember what to do. I was so happy when my muscle memory took over. I am not as agile as I once was but apparently I still remember how to ride the young squirts.

I tried to trot him in the big arena but quickly deicded it was a bad idea. It was windy, I have limited breaks, he felt fresh, and there were jumps to run into everywhere. I still wanted to have a little trot so we went ot the round pen. It took him a couple tries to remember but we did it. His trot is still fairly tentative but started to open up. I really want to get a little more control so that I can do most of our trotting on straight lines in the arena or outside. For now though the round pen is a neccesary evil but I see us getting out of there and riding the proprety in the next two weeks or so. He gets a few days off for now so I can finish up this term at school Then it is all ponies all the time!!

Horse Neglect

I had a long week of work and getting caught up in school so Dickie was left to his own devices. I am forever grateful for the BO because he gets extra sassy when I haven't been around. He generally expresses contempt for not having a job to do by rearing, bucking in place, and trying throw anything that happens to be left within reach of his stall door. One bright spot is the fact that his behavior is way better these days. Before if I even missed a day or two he was a wild man. These days his feral horse side is more manageable. He only needs minor reminders that humans are not play toys and doesn't tug on the lead rope or try to body slam you.

I arrived this week not sure what mood I would find him in. Actually I knew the mood. He has one mood at all times: YAYAYAYAYAY!!!! HUMANS!! MUST PLAY NOW!!! What I didn't know was if he would be able to channel that extreme exuberance into acceptable horse behavior. He knows the rules but he is a horse that will always test. He greets you in the field at first polite then he checks to see if the rules of personal space still apply by pushing me with his neck or trying to get up close eye ball to eye ball. Then I say "No you can't treat me like  your mares" and ask him to back up. If he stands politely several feet away he can have a treat, if not he gets to back up until he stands and waits for me to approach.

He was just as sassy as I expected. He danced like he had ants in his pants in the cross ties. Then torture of all tortures, Josey's mom showed up with kids. He LOVES kids and watching them without getting to taste them was too much for his baby brain. He decided this was reason to buck in place in the aisle. The funny thing is that no matter how antsy he is I never get the impression he is going to lose his mind and tear the cross ties down. If he dances so much that he hits the end of the cross ties he just stops, glares at me like I did it, then starts back up again but with less animation. It is just like him, he always wants to know exactly how far he can push things (cross ties, other horses, people, his stall door....). 

I hurried to get his feet picked because I know asking his spazzy brain to wait in the cross ties after a week of no work isn't that fair. Instead of going to the main arena we headed to the paddock behind the barn. It is about the dimension of a small arena, the footing is decent but has slight undulations. I don't lunge him there often, or for long, but I think it is good for him to get used to uneven ground. He was full of energy but the uneven ground kept him somewhat humbled. He is used to running full tilt in the pen but only on straight lines, trying to keep balanced on a circle took all of his concentration. At first he threw some tantrums and tried to spin back the other way (he prefers going to the right) but finally gave in. 

At the end of our session he was so focused. It is odd because he often spends the first ten mins or so really testing me (trying to spin the other way, breaking gait, bucking, rearing, etc) but by the end he gets really relaxed and focused. He is also extra cuddly after he has been worked physically. His shenanigans at the start makes it seem like he doesn't want to work but I think he just wants to challenge me. In the end he seems to thrive on work and it makes him a different horse. I think he will turn out to be one of those horses who really needs a job and is happier when he is in hard work. My TB mare was like that. If you didn't really push her she would make things exciting on her own (bucking or bolting) but if you gave her a big physical/mental challenge she would go all day and ask for more. Bre loves a job but she also really needs to be babied mentally, you can't push her too hard before you can feel her start to mentally self destruct. 

I am excited to be a little over two weeks away from a 16 day vacation and a horse who is telling me he is really for more challenge!!

Absent Blogger

It was a crazy week. I watched Bre's barn last week. It was fun to take care of the animals but it's always disorienting to sleep away from home. Midweek I worked the last three days of orientation on my unit. For the first 6-8 weeks nurses orient to a unit with someone experienced. You are assigned the same patients and as the weeks go on the new nurses takes on the full load. From now on I will not be working with another nurse. It is all me all the time. Luckily I have an AMAZING team to work with who will help me anytime I have questions. The saying "Nurses eat their young" is true in many places but not on my unit. Every nurse there has made an effort to help me feel welcome and confident. I didn't get much done on my work days. There are pros to 12 hour shifts but they are pretty tiring. You don't get much done during work days. If I get home by 8am, crash by 9am it is 4pm before I get up. That only leave a few hours to wake up, do dishes, and make a lunch. I don't like to plan anything during that time. I like to be in a relaxed space when I get to the unit. What that all means is three straight days not going to the barn, or seeing friends. This week was particularly tiring. I had a few patients who needed me in their rooms pretty much every 15mins. That meant lots of laps up and down the hall between my computer and their rooms. I really need to wear a pedometer to see how much a walk on nights like that! I spent the last few days housesitting at my parents house. I can't wait to get back to my routine of a familiar bed, work, my honey, and the ponies.

I have a great pony week planned. Sundays have traditionally been horse days for a years. That went out the window the last year of nursing school and during the first month or so of the new job I worked almost every weekend. Now I am getting into a routine of having a few weekends off a month. I actually have every Sunday off this Sept. Tomorrow I am going to clean tack with my new horsey BFF, ride her adorable draft/appy cross. I just love her horse. She is half draft but isn't too stocky and is light on her feet.

I will be able to head out every day until Thursday to work with the big guy. I also want to work with Bre's BFF Romeo a little too this week. He has been worked western (he is built like a WP guy) and is looking hollow in the back, and scrawny in the butt. A teen was giving a lessee lessons and was very focused on what his face was doing. I want to get on him and feel what is going on. I am hoping that now the the "trainer" is off to college the girl will either take some lessons from me or from the trainer where I now have Dickie at. Some good solid dressage lessons will help build up his bum and back. I also noticed the lessee starting some bad habits with her hands. I was really bummed to see it because when I last saw her riding she was lovely. She is wonderful posture, soft/tall back, solid leg, and her elbows were bent like a pro dressage rider. She was still more of a passenger, than an active rider but at 13 she had all the tools to be a really great rider. She now has her hands back at her thighs and is seesawing and jiggling. It was such a bummer to see that. Most people have to work their tails off to get where she was naturally riding, now someone has grilled bad habits into her. Hopefully all is not lost though. I am thinking if they get out of the western saddle and do dressage and trot over some little jumps he will get moving out again and she be able to forget about fussing with his face.

I am excited to have horse projects all around. After being away from riding for so long it feels great to have horse problems to solve. I love have goal to work on. At the same time I am grateful for miss Bre. Bre has been there done that and it is heaven to have such a connection with an animal. It is nice have an animal you know inside out to fall back on.

Back In the Saddle

I have covered the fact the Bre is semi retired from serious riding because she plateaued and has soundness issues when pushed past 1st level. As I huffed myself up the hill between Dickie's and Bre's I realized I am so out of shape that I would probably pass out if I rode an intro test let alone first level. The frequency of my riding slowed 3 years ago when I started pre-requisites for nursing school. Once I got into nursing school I started a strict diet of macaroni and coffee (preferably with some sort of very sugary creamer). Between work, studying, and clinical hours the only form of exercise I engaged in was carrying my books to and from school.

At the top of the hill I was out of breath, weak in the legs, and my face was red as a lobster. An old riding friend arrived to meet Dickie and found me still dripping with my shoes/socks strewn about the aisle way in an attempt to cool off. She used to be my riding partner in crime. We boarded on the edge of some amazing trails. We would be gone for 3 hours and would have spent least half of the ride in two point. Sadly, our adventures weren't all that long ago. I started nursing school two years ago this fall and was still riding, albeit with less frequency, at that point.  

At one point while playing with the ponies, my friend and I discussed how the perfect person to lease either of our mares would be someone looking to get back into dressage. It clicked at that moment that I was describing myself. I am that out of shape adult who used to have some talent but needs to start over. Dickie is the horse for my in shape self but I have a long way to go before that self appears again. In the end it always leads back to Bre. After all those years of training Bre the time has come for her to train me. And what an amazing trainer she is. If you ask correctly she gives, she turns from your seat, goes forward with a whisper of  your leg, is as light as feathers in the bridle. She is a bouncy ride so its like trying to stay on a pilates ball with a mind of its own. Just trotting her around the arena with help build up stamina and core muscles. 

Looking at old riding pictures reminds me that I can lose weight and I can get in enough shape to ride again. I might tip the scales at the almost highest weight of my life and be at my most appalling as far as stamina. That isn't the end of the world though. I was even more overweight and out of shape one other time. That was when Bre was 3 and as green as grass. Back then she needed me to help teach her confidence and to prove she wasn't a dangerous horse. Eleven years later (to the month) I find myself coming back to Bre and asking her to help me.

When I had enough stomach muscles to ride bareback (taken in Alaska but I was actually in better riding shape 4 years ago) 

Major flashback of me with my TB mare (right) when I rode hard everyday. 

Back in the days when we could be gone all day then be just as fresh the next morning (not long before RN school). 

Intensity

As I get ready for a new career and to start working with a new horse I have been reflecting on why horses are such a wonderful match for me. It is because they temper my natural intensity. When I try out a new sport or study a new subject I want to be the best. When I was a pre-teen I went ice skating with a few friends for a birthday party and was terrible. I fell down constantly and couldn't even make it a lap around the rink. I immediately asked for lessons and in a year I had advanced to a level that it takes most several years. I was never a great skater but in that first year I was landing single jumps and it looked like I would be able to start landing doubles before long. Unfortunately, the intensity with which I attacked this new sport was my downfall. I pushed myself so hard that I had bruises all over my body. I was so thin that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I ended up quiting because my feet were so painful that I couldn't skate for more than a few minutes without wanting to rip my skates off. I didn't quit because I lost interest I did so because I burnt myself out. My first year of college I took calculus, biology, chemistry, psychology. I jumped right in at a rigorous private college known for their strong science programs and for a time did well. Then health problems brought me to a screeching halt. For several years I couldn't work or go to school. I don't doubt that my inability to slow myself down and to balance peace with constant doing played a huge part in this.

During the period when I wasn't able to work or attend college I found horses. I was lucky enough to start as a working student at a local dressage/event barn. I had five or six lessons as a kid so I was a very green beginner. I still don't know why she decided to take on a person who didn't even know how to put a halter on. I attacked riding just like I had any other obstacle I faced. Six months after my first lesson I was riding a hot thoroughbred in shows and clinics and doing well. In less than a year I was schooling cross country and attended my first event. I wasn't anything fancy but I had progressed fast for my first year in a saddle. Then my sensitive mare started bucking me off after fences outside on the rock hard ground. After getting the wind knocked out of me a few times I lost my nerve over fences. I think it was her way of telling me to slow down. Riding is a partnership and every moment is something to be cherished, not just the blue ribbons or big jumps.

And no matter how bad things are going you can't just put them in a closet like a pair of skates. They are there waiting for you with a sweet face and nicker when you are in so much pain you don't want to go on. The most wonderful thing about riding is that it is a relationship. In individual sports there is nothing there to stop you from pushing too hard or doing something too many times in the pursuit of perfection. The horse always stops me. If I get frustrated or angry that I can't get something the horse  an feel it before I do. They don't know I am only angry at myself. I never want my horse to think I am upset with them so thinking about that partnership brings me back from the brink of being too intense. Riding horses who are green, hot, or abused have made me even more self aware of when I am pushing too hard. They let me know when we have done a movement one to many times, when the same pattern is boring, when I am distracted from a bad day at work, when I am pulling too hard, or driving them too fast.

I know it isn't in me to just be a recreational rider who enjoys a trail ride here or there. I wish it was. It would be cheaper and less time consuming ;) Over the last few years I have tried to convince myself that a few laps around the arena is worth it to me. I can't deny it though I miss the thrill of doing something new, of jumping over something when I am scared, and of a dressage test well ridden. My mind never stops and horses are the one thing that fully consumes my mind and body. However, each time I work with a horse towards our new goal I am getting far more than a blue ribbon. I am getting that reminder of the power of well timed deep breath and of the peace you can find when you can allow your mind to let go of the hustle of life. In the process I have learned how to accept imperfections. I have learned that there is beauty in almost getting something right. Sometimes the greatest triumph is just getting from point A to point B alive. There is pride in finding a different way to get to the end result even if it took twice as long as it "should have". It gives me goose bumps to think I will be getting back into that part of riding. As always I know that the lessons I will learn with my four legged friends will make me a better, calmer, more tolerant person, and hopefully less intense person.

Big Changes

Next week will be a big week. I start a new job working at a major medical center here in Portland with my shiny new RN license. I currently work there in inpatient psych and decided that it would be best for my long term career to work do something other than psych for a few years. I have worked in psych for over a decade now and see myself growing old and grey in that field. However, I know that building up my general medical knowledge will be so important and will open me up to many opportunities. Having a well rounded background will make it easier for me to get a job should my partner and I ever decide to move elsewhere. It will also allow me to do outreach work in other countries. And most importantly it will make me a better nurse practitioner once I decide to go to grad school. The new job will be taking care of people receiving kidney and liver transplants. It is a challenging area of nursing which is very exciting to me. I can't wait to get started!!! The position will be working graveyard. This shift makes me both excited and terrified. I will earn significantly more money, which is a huge pro. My goal over the next year is to take my partner on a tropical trip, buy a house, and take care of my ponies. The pace will also be slower which will allow me to really get to know my patients and do research about their needs while at work. I love a fast pace but I plan on using down time to learn as much as I can as fast as I can. I think once I get used to it this is going to be a wonderful shift for me in my first year of nursing. 

Working overnights isn't without worries for me though. I have bipolar disorder, which has been very stable for years. Since I have been to Oregon I haven't had more than minor dips in my mood in the winter and before that I was stable as well. I know that I will be able to get sleep working graves because I tend to sleep better during the days anyway. I do worry that I will sleep away the days and not get enough light. That was a big problem for me in AK and I still get down in the winters here. I worry that I won't be motivated to do anything when I get up because I am on such a strange schedule. Luckily I will soon have a special weapon in my back pocket. A big 16h four legged weapon. One thing I know about myself is that I will always get up and be motivated if I have a pony depending on me. No matter how down I feel I find a way to work with my horse. Riding is the one thing that will pull me through on the darkest days. Better yet riding usually keeps me on an even keel so things never get dark and sad. It gives me structure, it keeps my mind busy, and motivates me to eat healthier and exercise. Nursing is a stressful career. The 12 hour days, sick and upset patients, working weird hours and missing out on sunlight. It might seem insane to add an extra expense/stress to the mix with a young horse. I know myself though and know that this will make me a better person through it all. I will be in better shape to go on hikes and trips with my honey. I will be more sane and able to pick up extra shifts. And I will just be happier all around. 

There will soon be more to come on this guy :)

Journeys

The saga of Bre's feet continues. The vet came out today because she has been lame since last Weds. We thought that Bre was going to have her first year with no abscesses but it is looking like she foiled my plans to start riding her again. She heard all my hollering about becoming a registered nurse and decided she was not ready to come out of retirement. I worried about her all weekend. It is so hard to know when to call the vet. Her abscesses generally pop in 3-5 days and I decided to call since she wasn't getting better. Of course today when I called her in from the pasture she comes trotting up almost 100% sound. Looks like a few days of having a diaper and duct tape on her hoof did the trick. Too bad that she didn't pull out of it before the vet was called. It was still peace of mind to have a professional look at her and agree with my assessment. 

Looking at Bre today I started feeling sentimental about our journey together. I have finally truly accepted that Bre will not be the show horse that I had hoped for one day. I know I wouldn't trade my years with her for a second though. I have learned so much about myself through training her. I have learned how to push forward when I am so scared that I want to squeal and run. I know that I can find answers to problems I didn't even know existed. I think, more than any the "book smarts" I have, the confidence and problem solving skills I honed training Bre make me a better nurse and mental health worker. There were so many times when I should have been terrified over a big exam, skills test, or new clinical site but I told myself "If you can survive a 1,200 lb horse trying to flip over on you this is no big deal." So much of who I am today has been built by what I have done with horses. As much as I love Bre though I miss riding seriously so much it aches sometimes. I dream about riding, being in clinics, and jumping a course. I miss going into the arena every day and having a problem to solve. I miss that rush of figuring out a way to teach my horse a new skill. Because of this I am very excited to be adopting a horse so I can start back on that journey. It has been so hard not having a horse to work with. Bre is amazing and so well trained that it takes three rides to get her back to where we left off years ago. Then we can't go any further because both emotionally and physically it is too hard for Bre. 

On a happy note Bre had a young gal come out to ride her last week. I have been hoping to find a lease on Bre to help out with care and provide her some love. Bre loves to be ridden and I still like to take her on trail rides. It will be great to have someone to keep her fit enough that I can take her on a trail ride and not have her huffing and puffing. The new rider won't push her as much as I would in the arena. She will be perfect. 

Bre is more than capable of taking this gal along as far as she wants to go until she graduates from HS. She is well trained, has a good mind, is close to bomb proof, and loves attention. She used to jump but isn't looking for anything serious. If she decided to be more serious Bre could easily do some low cross rail classes and school up to 1st level dressage. When she came out to ride her I was holding my breath because Bre is really fussy about who she wants to ride her. She just had someone come out and Bre wouldn't go, wouldn't steer, or would walk like a drunkard. If someone gets on her and doesn't ride with their seat/legs or is trying to push her forward with their legs but is saying stop with their seat she balks. I can't even count on my fingers how many people have tried this mare only to get off in disgust. I knew from the second this young lady got on her that Bre loved her. Bre went ride into fancy show horse mode and was mellow as could be. I am thrilled that finally Bre will have a person to lease her. The girl was calm, listened to what Bre had to say, picked up on cues from Bre, and was so soft with her body.

Things feel like they are coming full circle. I have graduated from nursing school, have the most amazing partner ever, have someone to help with my Breedle, and a new project pony.