Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Life After.......

I don't know why but it has been hard to blog. It seems like too much is happening to even cover it all. Then the next second my life seems so boring (happily so) that I don't know what to write. I apologize if this post is a bit disjointed. It has been a long time!!

Since we last talked so much has happened. I started the new job and settled into my lovely house. Being a home owner has been both rewarding and daunting. It is truly my dream house. It is near parks, sidewalks, and small neighborhood stores. It is a bit of a drive from the stable but I am not ready to move to the country so it is as close as I could get without spending a fortune in board.

Loosing two family members at once to gun violence was shocking, traumatic, and in many ways freeing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I would bring them back in a second, but I am a better person than I was before they died. It made me take stock of my life and realize that many of the things we fixate on just don't matter. And life really is too short. It is too short to waste on people who stifle you. Too short to stay in jobs that drain your spirit. And far too short not to just ride the damned horse. 

One of the biggest changes I made was leaving a relationship that stifled the person I used to be. I looked back and realized I liked my old self and wanted her back. My childhood was often chaotic and at times abusive. It was so important to me that I didn't continue the cycle. I chose a person who never yelled, never picked fights, and abhorred conflict. I can be a spitfire in my work and riding life but it turns out I am not so much in my love life. Over time many compromises were made and when I looked back I realized they were mostly on my side. I put her needs first and in the end I didn't help either of us. I enabled her social anxiety to the point that my friend were pretty sure I had a phantom girlfriend. 

I was lonely desperately needed to be around people who challenged me to grow as a person. I need people who tell me what they are thinking. I also need people who are willing to take care of me. I looked around and realized that I had those people in my life. I needed someone to hug me when I had a case of the ugly cries, not someone who pretended like they didn't hear. I needed people to drive me to PT when I was recovering from a second hip surgery in less than six months (and a new herniated disc). The beautiful thing that came to light during this time was that I HAD those kind of people in my life. The heartbreaking part was that my partner wasn't one of those people. She was there for the weeks just following my parents death. Other than that getting help with a constant struggle. Getting help with home PT was like pulling teeth, it felt like a bother to ask for a glass of water when I was on crutches after surgery. And she would take the day off work for herself but say "I am not sure I can get you there on time" when I had a PT appointment. The surgeries I had are very PT intensive. If you don't go to PT three times a week and do home therapy 2-3x daily in the first three months you will never regain full range of motion. Luckily I had amazing people in my life who filled in the gaps. 

When I started to regain my physical and mental health I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I don't think she is a bad person and I think her own demons kept her from seeing what I needed. I think I enabled for years by protecting her every time she said "You know that stresses me out." When I said goodbye I felt terrible for her. I felt like I had abandoned her. I know that in the long run it will be better for her. She didn't love me like you should love a life partner. She may have loved me as a friend and for the support I gave her. However, I know if she finds someone she really loves, taking care of that person won't be stressful.

With the passing of time I no longer feel guilty. I actually feel more angry than anything. She knew me before we dated. She knew my passions, needs, wants, interests before she signed up for a relationship. Yet, she was still perfectly happy for me to move further and further away from those things. A year later I have more than moved on. I am happier than I ever thought I could be. I am not sure where to start with my blog because I don't know if I can keep it just to horses. Horses are still a huge part of my life but there are other even more exciting things that have happened over the last year. This post is at least a start.