Sunday, February 21, 2016

Where Do I Begin?

My last post was over six months ago. If you've followed my blog you will know last year was a rough one. I wanted to start a post so many times but didn't know where to start. I touched on the fact my parents died but never went into details. I thought people lose their parents all the time so details don't matter. I've found over time that the circumstances really has made grieving unique and challenging. In 2014 my step dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.  I took three months off at the end of 2014 to have hip surgery and take him to chemo. We were close before and I will cherish the hours he spent imparting wisdom over apple cider while the poison that gave us another Christmas pumped into his veins. We talked about life, death, and diesel trucks. The cancer continued to take over and in January of 2015 he had reached the point where he would soon need help bathing and using the bathroom. Less than a year before the man could hike further than me (I was half his age) and still hunted with a long bow he made himself (he even cut down the yew tree)

We always meant to get around to looking into Oregon's right to die laws. We didn't. We were too busy cherishing every second. My mom had a long list of painful chronic illness and he was her caretaker until he got sick. On January 26th he had weeks or left on this earth. Rather than continue in pain that was untouched by the strongest medications on the market he chose to end his journey of life. My mom did so as well. They scheduled an email to arrive 12 hours after they were gone. They did not suffer. While I miss them dearly I also understand why they did it. 

It was quickly apparent they had been planning it for some time. My mom had collected a room full of boxes to help me pack the house. She packed up most of the valuables and hid keys to trunks so I could quickly take them out of the house. They knew the story would hit the media and were worried looters would show up. 

Media did in fact print the story with names and the street. The property is in the country with only a few houses on the street. My family and friends helped me pack the house in a matter of weeks. The house was on the market and closed quickly. In six weeks the house was sold and I was heading into surgery on my other hip. 

After my second hip surgery a bulging disk from a November 2014 car accident herniated and I found myself unable to walk,drive, or even sleep without pain. Through it I earned how many amazing people I had in my life. I was grateful for those people. Those who helped me pack the house, drove me to physical therapy, showed up with food, took care of my horses....... 

It's now over a year since they died. I own a house, I'm engaged, I have a new job, three gorgeous horses, a a sweet ride to haul them in. Life is by all accounts good. Despite all of that these positives, winter has been hard. I didn't have time to grieve last year. There was too much to do and I knew If I thought about it then the weight of it might crush me. You can't prepare yourself for being in the middle of a murder suicide scene. As the days get longer I'm figuring out how to face my new normal. 

Cheerful horse pictures:


  1. I was wondering how you were doing. I remember about your parents and thinking it must have been a shock for you. Take the time you need to grieve. I'm glad that you are in a good place now that allows you to to it.

  2. Wow. That's so sad! I'm glad you see you blogging again.

  3. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I'm glad things are going well despite the grief. I hope you're doing okay. Congrats on getting engaged!

  4. *big hugs* I am so sorry for your losses, I am glad to know things are going well for you and hope they continue to do so.

  5. So sorry for your losses - can not even imagine all you have gone thru. Thoughts are with you!

  6. Welcome back. You're an amazing strong person.I hope the future brings you nothing but peace and happiness.